Family Visitation

I am really unnervingly excited for my family to visit, and I'm not sure why. Maybe its because none of them have been to the Northwest before, and I am the pioneer tour guide to lead the way.

Maybe its because this place is so different than the East Coast, and I am excited to show my family all of the differences and natural beauties of the West.

Maybe it's because my family is undergoing the same westward process that brought me out here, and are participating in their own westward expansion and some strange amazing feeling of manifest destiny.

I really think many Easterners (as in the United States) have a feeling of manifest destiny for themselves. I encountered it on my entire journey here, and sealed it with my visiting of the Pacific Ocean. When I took my shoes off, and waded into the frigid waters of the North Pacific.

It was some sort of weird connection with the "pioneers" of Lewis & Clark. To stand at the point where they saw the ocean for the first time, and sealed the American conquering of the continent. The point of no return, when Americans then knew that their territory was destined to stretch from "Sea to Shining Sea".

I had made that journey. The long drive and move across the continent. I traveled much of the same path of Lewis & Clark, and during the other stretches I paralleled the trails of others who moved out here for their fortune or new opportunities.

And at the end, I had done it. I had reached the Pacific in all of its rough and cold glory.



But before we get sucked up into this Pioneer Square filled historic fantasy, we have to step back, and realize that all of this is a farce.

I am white. I am from European decent. Me partaking in this journey is a disgraceful expression of the inherent privilege I was born with. As much as I romanticize it, I am unconsciously embracing a history of conquest, expansion, and cultural, biological, and societal genocide. As much of beauty of this country that I have seen and experienced, I must always remind myself that it is not mine.

One could say that it is "mine" because of my ancestry going back to the first humans, but I do not think that justifies anything. That does not justify the erasure of culture, the spread of microbes, and forced relocation carried out by and genocidal acts committed through my European ancestors.

I cannot speak for the Native American cultures across this continent. I can only help fulfill justice through acknowledgement of the European wrongs which my ancestors fulfilled, and realize that I am in no way entitled to this land in which I live. I am here on loan, as with any part of the world I live in.

I cannot truly claim a home on this earth without the explicit consent of those before me who live and have an ancestry that came before me. I cannot claim a home unless I continually work to make right what is so very wrong through the actions of those who came before me, as well as those who live with me in the very same location and time. I can never belong somewhere until I work my hardest to help make that place... Better.

The Generational Gap? (Or Are They Just Not Listening To Me?)

Throughout my AmeriCorps VISTA year I have written about the struggles I have had related to the "generational gap" of my work.

To preface:

I work in the city of Vancouver, Washington. It lies directly north of Portland, Oregon on the border, and is a community which grew up on and around the Columbia River. Its identity is formed from the contrast of itself to the "other" (in this case, the city of Portland). The two cities have differing politics, different attitudes, and different reputations. 

Portland is the progressive liberal eco-concious golden child of urban planning, while Vancouver is the forgotten dirty conservative addition to the Portland Metro area nobody pays attention to.

Vancouver is the conservative family values bastion which provides the relief, income-taxless freedom of cars and bootstrap success, while Portland charges a tax on everything for useless projects to help a population which isn't going anywhere.

See what I mean? It can be spun both ways.

Maybe this is what attracts older folks to this area? A retirement home cheaper than Portland, but with access to the city and the job base of the urban area?

The region I work in spans five regions. Our office is in Vancouver, but I work across Wahkiakum, Cowlitz, Clark, Skamania, and Klickitat Counties. The average percentage of folks over 65 across this region is 18.56%. The area is aging rapidly, and this is an issue the region is only beginning to plan for and around. So maybe this is where my problems occur?

To the present:

Recently I participated in a meeting and received a message after that meeting which distressed me more than anything has in a while.

During the meeting I was providing updates about my project (which I have been working on over the past ten months) and explaining surveys, new directions and options, and how I would proceed with the project.

Over the past five to seven months I have been soliciting feedback from any and all partners I could contact. I have been pouring my efforts into learning all I can about the area, the systems, the people, the towns, and how I could begin to think about how I could help with transportation and mobility needs.

During the meeting, I proposed beginning to talk about potential solutions, one of which could be an integrated volunteer driver network for the two counties (and others beyond), to help expand what volunteer driver services exist. As soon as I proposed this, two members of the group began aggressively telling me about their volunteer driver programs (which I knew existed and worked really well). I tried to explain that I thought the new VISTA positions would be a good opportunity to try to expand the transportation services, coordination, and volunteer driver programs across the two counties. I believe that these new VISTA positions may hold a great opportunity for expanded services for the region!

Today I got a voice mail from one of the people at the meeting, and it said that before I go ahead with any press releases for my surveys I need to meet and talk with the services to learn what they do in and around the county. I was appalled.

Once again, they just assumed that I had learned nothing over the past ten months, and that I have just been ignorant to the wonderful service they offer within their counties.

What really gets me ticking on this issue is the fact that I actually prefer the communities out in the Gorge and in the rural counties. They remind me so much of home.

I am attached to Stevenson because it reminds me of Baltimore. The mountains surrounding White Salmon remind me of the mountain tucked Swannanoa. Goldendale reminds me of Lancaster; a community in shambles, but refinding itself in the new millenium.



I also don't understand why these folks are always so surprised when I tell them I have made a decision to do something and act upon something. I have included them in all of my correspondence via email, meetings, and phone calls. I have invited their input on all of my materials, and I have tried my hardest to cover all of my bases with all of our partners across the region.

So are they not listening to me? I even distributed everything through my supervisors, and what responses and suggestions I got back I incorporated into my work. I don't understand why people are all of a sudden responding to things I decide I want to do, saying that I should step back and seek input, when I have already solicited it from them.

So are they just not listening to me?

I really am tired of folks not being able to be mature and act like adults. We are not playing a game of "This is mine and I won't let you have any of it!", we are playing a game of "Let's get as many people mobile as possible so they can have a good life."

Here's a Hymn To Welcome In The Day...

Over the previous weekend I went camping with friends and last Thursday I saw the Decemberists perform their album "Castaways and Cutouts" in full, along with another hour long set of their favorites.

All this music and these experiences have made me begin thinking, and even though the weather has changed, I still feel a sense of deep loneliness bounded up within me.

I don't like to complain, and I try to hide it from the people I do hangout with right now, but I miss what I had in college. I really do miss the previous four years of my life, and the amount of love, friendship, and acceptance I experienced at Warren Wilson College. I really have been struggling after leaving.

It seems as though the "real world" is full of people who talk slander on others, who use derogatory terms like there is no tomorrow, and have to respect or acknowledgement of the complicatedness and sensitivity of reality. It's a deep problem, which many good hearted people have outside of college. I guess I was just too eager to get out of the academic sphere, and painted too fruity of images of what everyday life would be like.

I also was in proximity to my best friend at college, someone who I miss terribly, who I really would like to see again. Its amazing how much I didn't realize I would miss my friends and the atmosphere of being in college. Or maybe its just the people, friends, and atmosphere at a college such as Warren Wilson College. I don't know.

The Decemberists have also got me longing for a romantic connection again. The lack of a physical connection has done a toll on me. I really want a person to show intimacy with, and to hold and embrace and share a connection with.

So it only makes sense that during their performance of The Crane Wife (all three parts), I couldn't help but silently sing along, wondering where that crane may be.

But alas, its hard to find a crane, especially when there are so many people who don't accept you for what you are. And when you think you've found someone you hit it off with really well, or at least acknowledges your existence as a decent human being, they are either already with someone, and/or off to Alaska.

Ugh. Life.